All Consuming Guilt
by WolfWinks
Summary: Healing takes a long time and guilt doesn't go away overnight but a little forgiveness can go a long way.


The alcohol was a new development. He wasn't a drinker, at least he hadn't been. Now though, the pain went away when he drank. His thoughts, his memories it all just disappeared. He knew that it was all an illusion but that didn't change the fact that it felt _so good._

He gripped the neck of the firewhisky bottle tightly and took another swing. He barely felt the burn at this point. This was the third night he had been like this, hiding out in the Room of Requirement after the DA meetings. No one came looking for him. He was able to put a mask on in the presence of others but the pain and the guilt just continued to grow. He needed these nights. He needed the drink. He couldn't be forgiven so there was no other option.

Harry lifted the firewhisky to his lips again and sucked in the last drops from the bottle, a bottle that was almost full only hours ago. In a fit of irrational rage he threw the bottle at a nearby wall shattering it into pieces. The sound of the glass breaking caused his rage to disappear as quickly as it appeared. He stared at the scattered glass for a moment and then in a panic just had to _clean it up_. _Clean it up. Clean it up. Clean it up._

"Harry?"

The softly spoken words couldn't disturb his crazed panic. _Clean it up._ He didn't notice the pain when one particularly sharp piece pierced his palm or the blood running down his wrist.

"Harry!"

A small hand gripped his wrist tightly startling him out of his frenzy and causing him to flinch violently away.

"Stop you're going to hurt yourself."

"Cho, wha're you doin' here"

If the glazed look in Harry's eyes and the flushed cheeks didn't give away the fact that he was beyond drunk his slurred words most definitely did. Cho couldn't prevent her worry from showing on her face, not that Harry cared as he was now staring at the blood he had only just noticed.

"Come over here Harry, let's clean you up."

"Wha' wh- wait. No I hav' ta clean up the… the… something. I hav' ta clean some'ing" Harry tried to pull away but only ended up stumbling slightly.

"Stop. Its clean, now you need to get clean." Cho pulled him towards a table and chair set where a first aid kit had appeared. "I have to clean the cut and make sure there's no glass in there, okay?"

"Ok'y"

They sat in silence for a while, Cho cleaning Harry's hand while he watched her with glazed eyes. She was careful to get all the glass out and then she healed his palm so there wasn't even a scar left. She was just cleaning off the last of the blood when a strangely sober sounding and vulnerable Harry spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Cho didn't want to take advantage of Harry's state but maybe she would be able to help him. So many of the DA had been worried about him. She had overheard Dean and Ron talking, so she knew he barely ever slept in the dorms anymore. He was slowly starting to waste away and if she could help him she would.

"He's dead 'cause of me. I killed him" Harry buried his head into his shaky hands.

"What?"

"Don't say I didn't" Harry mumbled "If I hadn't told him to take the cup then he would be alive. It's my fault. 'm sorry"

Cho couldn't believe her ears. She felt tears prickle at the corner of her eyes. Not only was it hard to speak about Cedric as his death was still a raw spot for her but to hear that Harry carried all this guilt for all this time it was hard to believe.

"Harry, listen to me"

He shook his head and curled up into himself more.

"Harry" She said sharply.

He whipped his head up at her tone staring at her with wide red rimmed eyes.

"You are not to bl-"

"No!" He was glaring now. "You don't get to say that, you're not allowed to say that. The only one that's allowed to say that is dead. He's dead and not coming back. He's dead and I can't fix it, I can't fix it. I have to… I have to fix it" His face went back into his hand and his whole body shook.

"Harry" Cho breathed. She wasn't sure what to do. She wanted to tell him that he wasn't to blame. She wanted to say that the only one to blame was the one that shot of the spell but she knew that wasn't what he needed.

"Harry, I forgive you."

Harry froze and tension ran through his whole body

"I forgive you as the girl that loved Cedric more than anything else I forgive you. If I don't blame you, then you shouldn't blame yourself. I know it's hard. I know that all you want is Cedric's forgiveness but you can't have that, not now anyway. Until the time comes where you can ask Cedric please accept my forgiveness. Take it and try to forgive yourself."

Harry was staring at her now. She was crying but she had a small smile on her face. He couldn't bring himself to speak and she knew that but he found her words slowly taking form in his head and sinking in. His lips tilted up, not into a smile. It would be a long time before a smile appeared on his face again but it was enough for Cho. Enough for now.

He didn't leave the Room on Requirement that night. Cho set up a bed for him with dark blue sheets and settled him into it. He didn't hear her final words of forgiveness but they penetrated into his dreams and he finally had a peaceful sleep.

The words wouldn't heal him straight away, they wouldn't fix him but they needed to be heard. Harry couldn't find forgiveness from the one person he needed it from but he did receive it. Now that he had been told he was forgiven maybe he could start to forgive himself.

* * *

 **A.N:** I'm not so sure about the ending but otherwise I'm pretty happy. Let me know what you think.

WolfWinks -xx-


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